Joe's Rock
Art and Rock Climbing
I have come to realize that building an art career is not “Just sitting around all day painting pictures” as most assume it to be. For me at least, it has been a constant climb into the inner workings or rather innermost misconceptions of mind. A constant descent and ascent through an entanglement of assumptions, catastrophic predictions, negative self-talk, and a whole lot of doubt. I have encountered this kind of paralyzing overwhelm recently and believed whole-heartedly I just didn’t have what it takes to live this art lifestyle. Luckily, before accepting perceived defeat, I was transformed by the truth while washing dishes.
I would like to share my kitchen daydream about rock climbing…
I used to like climbing rocks when I was younger. I loved to ponder where to place my feet or what crevasse of rock to grab to make an accent. I would challenge myself just enough to make it fun and so I wouldn’t fall and harm myself. One day I decided to go to a professional indoor rock-climbing wall with some friends who were very proficient at this kind of thing. Since I loved climbing, I was really excited about the new adventure.
When entering the building, my attitude changed completely. My confidence was shaken by the huge wall with all those protruding plastic footings, by all the sweating and serious people, harnesses, helmets, and guys holding ropes entrusted with the task of making sure no one fell. Then, of course, there were my friends, who snapped on all the gear and immediately climbed the wall with the agility of mountain goats. My “fun” pastime just became real…I saw it as a test of my ability as a climber.
At first, I blocked out all the extraneous activity around me concentrating only on where to place my hands and feet. I was ascending, slowly, but making progress. I lost my footing about halfway up the wall and panicked when I looked down below… It wasn’t the height of the wall that frightened me, but rather my ability compared to the competition. I saw everyone on the ground as being a reminder of how incompetent I was. I thought the laughing below was directed towards me, I imagined my friends’ looks of concern as disappointment directed at me, I suddenly believed the guy holding the rope would let me fall. The decisions I made got sloppy because I got lost in the chaos of misbelief playing inside my head. As a result, I made multiple mistakes eroding confidence that further proved my incompetence. The more I doubted my ability, the more I was paralyzed by fear, and I was unable to ascend any further. I was so afraid of looking stupid that I made myself look ridiculous, as I clung to the wall going nowhere! I let go of the wall… I did this because I wanted have control even if it meant sabotaging myself to fail. I feared failure, believed I would fail, and made myself fail. I never made it to the top of the wall because I gave up climbing.
I have not thought about rock climbing in over ten years because I have long since dismissed the memory as something I sucked at; until this day. Instinctively, I know there is a lot to unpack from this memory. The fact that such a memory was resurrected during a recent time of fear proves its significance and has forced me to investigate the self-destructive pattern I keep repeating. I recently read from an author who quoted Perma Chodron, who is a meditator teacher, she said that most people quit as soon as it gets difficult, painful, or even boring. They quit as soon as they see something in their minds that scares them…So they miss the “good” part, the transformative part- the part when you push past the difficulty and enter some raw new unexplored universe within yourself. Years ago, I gave up climbing because it wasn’t fun anymore, I gave up because of what I thought people thought of me, and what I thought of myself. I couldn’t deal with the fear of failure and would rather jump off than deal with it. Now facing the constant uncertainty of art life I find myself embracing those same self-sabotaging tendencies to avoid the possibility of failure. I need to keep climbing, past the difficult unexplored part, I must keep climbing past the doubt, the fear, the uncertainty and be determined to get to the top of the wall.