The Artistic Process Part 2:
Creative Sabotage
I chose a crow as a subject for a pyrography project. I have become intrigued by the sound of crows while walking in the woods. The reason why I have been going into the woods lately is because I have been wanting to be alone with my thoughts and away from noise. This noise I am escaping from is the constant “human noise” heard all around that has found its way inside my head. I want to get away from all of the attention grabbing commotion coming from a given person of interest, that obnoxious group, a call for what is right, or what is wrong, what I should to buy, or what I absolutely need to find happiness… I am just beginning to realize that listening to this dissonance for such a long time has led me astray from finding meaning and harmony. The loudness has drowned-out the quiet sound within; the intuitive voice I have ignored. Listening to the loudest voice has not benefited me in any way, it’s just loud! The woods have become a refuge for my sanity. I have paid close attention to the sound of crows calling out from somewhere hidden in the trees. Whenever I think about the crow calls, it calms me and allows me to think clearly. This desire for tranquility has inspired me to create some kind of crow image on wood.
I found the one of the biggest obstacles for creating a piece of “crow art” was finding a crow to draw. Crows are very elusive creatures. Whenever I go to the woods, I hear their sounds in the distance, but I never get the opportunity to see one. I don’t want to draw from a reference photo because it wouldn’t be my crow; it would always belong to someone else. The search for the elusive crow, led to a trip to a natural history lab I visited frequently when I studied art. I don’t know if it is the same for all artists, but I hate drawing in public places! I always think people are watching and judging me, which makes me doubt my abilities and leaves me feeling like an imposter. Firmly believing my insecurities about drawing in public were behind me, I sat with my crow and my sketchbook ready to create the best crow the world has ever seen!
It didn’t go as well as I planned…
The creative spiral into disaster first began with a very uncomfortable chair, which led to squirming, in turn, led me to draw all the angles wrong and getting the perspective messed up. This led to my frustration, which led to me swearing loudly, which was amplified throughout the quiet room only then to be heard by a group of students coming into the lab. Seeing the group of students made me embarrassed about the messy, crappy, crow drawing on my paper. Then panic set in… I thought about the two hours I had on the parking meter, and the one hour and 15 minutes that had already passed. All I accomplished in that great span of time was a horribly amateur drawing of a crow! This is when I began to question my abilities. Suddenly, I felt inferior to all the young students around me. Collectively, I imagined they were thinking they were witnessing a washed-up artist trying to draw a crow. I even caught myself listening to hear if their instructor was using me as an example of how not to draw!
I could feel myself sinking lower and lower into the chair trying to escape the students’ judgement and the embarrassment I was feeling. At this point, it would make sense to simply tear out the drawing and throw it away. I could close the sketch book and tell myself, “Drawing crows isn’t my thing.” And give up. With all this negativity going on in my mind, I had sunk so low in the chair that I was now looking up at the crow. In my mind, he/she was taunting me! Rather than accept defeat, I suddenly saw everything in a new perspective. Although my drawing still looked bad, my attitude changed. I looked around, and to my disbelief, no one was looking at me; they were all focused on their own projects. They cared less about me or what I was drawing. The problem was with me; I was impatient for the idea of what I wanted to create to happen perfectly without effort. I wanted immediate gratification.
Since my drawing looked like crap, I was quick to conclude, I was a no-good imposter! How easy it was to forget that all drawings I have ever started looked this terrible in the beginning… Art is a process; the beginning stages is where someone is trying to figure things out and navigate through a mess of form, line, and color. The more determined I am to dive in, the more I discover about the subject. It is vital to the artistic process to work through the mess! If all works of art were perfect from the start, then the process of creating would lead nowhere important. As a result, I would have no personal connection to the art. My crappy crow taught me a lesson in creativity that I would have not learned otherwise if I created perfect art. Creativity is more than creating perfection…It’s about willingness to commit to the process, not giving up, and seeing where the journey takes you. I committed myself to my crow that moment in the nature lab, and promised myself to work out my mistakes at home since the parking meter ran out… Even after all of the struggles and insight I found, I am still too embarrassed to reveal the “crap crow” I labored over. I will soon reveal a more “presentable” version at a later date.